Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentine's Day

I can't believe it's been since Thanksgiving.
I kind of lost my focus, and couldn't figure out what it was I was supposed to be rapping about on here.

I was afraid I'd write something too personal, and either over-expose myself, or offend somebody somewhere.

The whole ambiguous nature of a blog has been evading me.

I don't write about politics. Mostly because I don't know politics enough to write intelligently about it. I don't write about food. Or fashion. Or writing. Or music, per se. I write about what I know best--the complications of the heart--of mine in particular. I know that some of those complications, when examined under just the right circumstances, are incredibly, incredibly funny. I know that I avoided writing about love and romance, dating and desperation, breaking up and breaking down, relationsnhips and relationshits, because I thought people would think it was trivial, trite, not intellectual enough. But I can't run from it anymore.

Tonight, on my friend Kate's couch, she hit me on the arm and said "You never write on your blog anymore." She told me she checks it every week. Which made me feel kind of loved, and then guilty (in a loving way), and then we went and saw He's Just Not That Into You--yup, on this day, the 14th of February, and I had a crapload of popcorn and most of a divine brownie (made by aforementioned friend) and am now quite the wired creature. I'm also now a first-class passenger on the will-the-whole-marriage-thing-ever-happen-the-way-I've-always-imagined-it-happening-will-it-feel-how-I've-always-imagined-it-feeling-with-that-guy-(who-will-it-be?)I've-always-imagined-it-happening-with-or-is-it-all-just-broken-hearts-on-the-wind-and-should-I-even-focus-on-those-fantasies-at-all-and-instead-put-my-whole-self-into-my-job-and-writing-my-book-which-is-problematic-since-my-book-is-about-all-the-relationships-and-men-and-dating-and-absurdity-of-trying-to-have-relationships-with-people-who-are-incapable-of-relationships-(including-myself)-and being-single-for-years-and-internet-dating-and-regular-dating-and-falling-halfway-for-inappropriate-people-like-a-celibate-monk-an-only-recently-clean-crack-addict-the-ultra-promiscuous-bass-player-of-a-band-I-adore-and-because-my-book-is-about-this-journey-and-these-men-and-the-fantasy-of-finding-true-love-at-last-and-how-it's-driven-me-more-than-any-other-force-in-my-life-and-it-makes-it-difficult-to-shift-my-focus-to-anything-else-this-exploratory-surgery-of-my-past-for-true-love-and-true-connection-and-true-marriage-makes-it-almost-impossible-to-recalibrate-my-attention-elsewhere-in-order-for-it-to-happen-on-its-own-while-I'm-turned-in-an-entirely-other-direction-(happen-in-a-way-I-couldn't-have-predicted-and-won't-be-able-to-account-for-because-this-is-how-they-all-say-it-happens-when-you-don't-want-it-to-and-aren't-looking-for-it-or-thinking-about-it-or-hoping-for-it-to-be-so-it-happens-when-you-are-trying-to-decide-if-you-should-spend-an-extra-$1.25-for-an-organic-avocado-given-that-it-will-taste-better-based-solely-on-the-fact-that-you-know-it's-organic-or-it-happens-when-you-haven't-showered-and-are-in-your-sweats-shopping-for-screws-at-Home-Depot)-so-the-book-which-is-what-I-want-to-focus-on-because-it's-my-work-and-makes-me-feel-happy-and-purposeful-makes-it-simultaneously-challening-because-when-I-am-in-the-book-it-is-all-I-am-thinking-about-that-and-the-relationship-I-am-currently-in-which-is-a-good-relationship-(not-average-good-but-good-to-the-bone-good-at-its-heart)-a-decent-hot-chemistry-filled-thing-between-two-people-a-relationship-however-that-includes-a-hard-fact-that-cannot-be-overlooked-the-fact-that-between-those-two-people-also-lies-2,000-miles-two-time-zones-is-conducted-with-2-cell-phones-4-e-mail-accounts-two-of-which-include-video-chat-and-FaceBook-but-does-not-include-the-multitude-of-text-messages-pinged-back-and-forth-not-to-mention-that-it's-unclear-if-any-of-these-numeric-facts-will-change-ever-or-soon-or-even-later-when-or-if-the-2,000-miles-will-be-traversed-by-one-party-or-the-other-who-will-throw-in-the-bedspread-first-or-pack-up-their-car-and-just-decide-THIS-IS-GOING-TO-HAPPEN-if-either-of-us-will-do-any-of-it train.

It's a bumpy trainride, but on it I'm eating a box of exquisite chocolates the bf got me for valentine's day (and he's wished me many happy valentines), plus I had a good hair day, and a cup of really amazing coffee this morning at a basement-cafe and spent the whole day with a dear friend who likes to talk as much as I do and in that way satisfied me to my very soul and the sky was open and blue all day and the clouds were Laura-loves-these-kinds-of-clouds clouds--and all of this on my train, which is running through my life, on its way into my unknown future. I never had my own train before. And I kind of like it.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Smooches from Jane!

Larissa said...

Wow - I loved reading that more than I can even say. I kind of felt like I was reading my own thoughts - that is until you got to the good boyfriend part. Thank you for being so honest and flipping talented! I love you.

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